jessica

yea....i tried looking fora job today.
BUT since i have a lip ring, i dont know how its gonna go.
i hate life at this moment.
acutally i don't im just having a girl moment.
i guess ben and jerry's would make me feel better, but im not inthe mood for it.
...cottage cheese, here i come!

sooooo there have been alot of changes lately. 
I am really realizing some stuff about some people.
The people who I used to think the worl of....yea...I feel like I am just seeing htem from this whole different perspective and things on this side aren't so pretty.
At first, it was really pissing me off how they were all being different. But its actually really interesting to see them from this perspective. 
You can never really force yourself to see someone in a different way....well i guess you could but you will never truely UNDERSTAND it until that perspective is your personal point of view.
that might be extremely confusing and if so...sorry abotu that. 
I am just....i guess and suprised and happy about the recent changes taht have been made. 
I wouldn't say that i made the changes, i just allowed them to happen. i usually fight change doing my best possible to preventit from happening...but not so much anymore.
unlike some people i know...i believe taht there si something positive to be found in every change, you just have to be willing and have the courage to find it.
So thats what im doing....im allowing these changes to happen and i will find whats good in it.
honestly..i don't want to hang around people if the whole thing just feels fake.
im liking this year much better so far. i mean...i haven't reallymade good friends but i am being more independent and true to myself. the people i usede to think the WORLD of are not as appealing to me as they once were, and i think it has made me realize that that is just how everyone is. they are cool but we're all just retarded inteh end. Goodness knows i am! but i know that i am being true to myself adn figuring things out for myself and as lond as i know that i am not being fake...im ok.

sometimes i wish i weren't so skeptical of people, but this way im not placing anyone on a pedistol (sorry if i cant spell) i am seeing htem for what they really are. or trying to anyway.

oh well.......lovely day ahead. i dont feel like showering....sorry if you get close to me

why the hell do i feel so fucked up.

i am secure with myself but i get insecure around certain people. 
i don't think im an emo kid, but sadly....if you list all their characteristics, i am one.
im really bummed that my relationsihp with james is over.
now that i am single...i feel so absolutely naked and i wish i could run to someone, but there's no one to run to.
i know im an...interesting... person, to say the least, but i wish someone would fucking stick around.
i wish i could let people in, but...i can't.
i post these god damned blogs, i dont even know why.
....its not really like anyone reading these is going to be able to help.
it pisses me off because nick is sometimes the only one who gets me.
...sometimes,in some cases, he doesnt get me at all, but he still hangs around. 
i wish that someone would just fucking see something good in me and want to actually stay around....someone who, when i do something dumb, will just be like...well, thats jessica being dumb again....and then have them still love me.
it fucking pisses me off, which makes me want to write in fucking live journal, which makes me a fucking emo kid, which pisses me off even more!

i seriously do think i might join the peace corp and go elsewhere to help people who have bigger concerns other than trying to find people who "understand" them.
now all this makes me feel just extremely selfish. 

.....reading this....no wonder no one can put up with me....

and isn't that the way it should be?

i mean....getting caught up in everything....its stupid.
we all need to love one another! hahaha....SPREAD THE LOVE!

as a side note...."That's a huge bitch!" is a really funny quote! BUT you are not supposed to say it about actual people....its more of a random comment. when you say it it shouldn't be about an actual person....thats just mean.

anyway...dave and busters today with mi madre....and then tomorrow is school.

as usual....im fucked in sooooo many ways. im just a fucked up kid and im probably always gonna be this way, sadly.
oh well, everyone is just gonna have to deal.

sometimes, im afraid of being alone

lately, i have just not been in teh best of moods.
i mean....i think its understandable, but it still sucks.
i think it also sucks because i guess it hasnt quite hit me.
like i think im subconciously thinking that he's away at camp. (that was so a line in My Girl)
but yea...things work out.
i still remain a strong believer that positive things come with every change, you just have to be open to them.
but yea....and now for my superficial moment....i just really want to go buy new clothes.
updating my shitty wardrobe always (for a breif time anyway) makes me feel better about myself.
plus i wouldnt mind some new clothes.
but yea....as usual......im shit out of money.

oh and i think i might have broken my nose.....not cool

X-Men 3 just ended. I am sitting in the theater waiting for the extra part to come on after the credits and i decided to check my phone.  Its 12:04 and Ihave a new text. I reply to the text and see that I have missed calls from my house. I called my mom back who was on the verge of tears saying that she was so upset, she didnt know where i was or why i wasnt answering my phone and that she was so emotionally distressed over it. i left the theater immediately and drove like a abt out of hell to get home as soon as possible (not because i had broken my curfew but because my mom was so upset that i wanted to be there for her) when i DO get home i run back to my moms bedroom to give her a huge hug and spill all i had telling her i was so sorry i upset her and that i was ok and time had slipped away and i was so sorry....expecting her to say...im just so glad that you're safe, all she did was scold me for not paying closer attention to the time. i appoligized and was so sincere and worried with every word i said and all that seemed to just fly righ tby her,

i dont know. i probably cant do a good job of describing it, but her reaction just really upset me because it wasnt very caring sounding. i mean i know she cares, thats why she has her rules, but i thought she was upset and that upset me and i came home really upset and she did seem to be sensitive at all at teh fact that i was so upset.

..whatever. now im just mad.

i hate bad dreams.

i havent talked to alot of my friends lately. anyone who reads this (if anyone does anymore) i probably dont talk to you. im sorry for that. i want all of you to know that i lvoe each one of you sooo much.

a couple of you i will see at school next year (kelly, caitlin, and andrew) i really hope that we can all hang out and make berry AWESOME.

brittany, im so sorry i havent talked to you in a while. photoshoot this weekend??? perhaps??

grant....well, your just hott! thats all i have to say for you! haha jk. but seriously, you are! haha. you need to come visit berry! and ROSWELL for that matter!

everyone else. you guys freakin fock my face off! i love you all!

i miss the way things used to be.

i have changed alot and alot of things around me have changed alot.
i said i was the exact same person, but in a way i wasnt.
honestly, i had to go through what i went through.
i can't pretend to be a certain way and thats what i was doing.
after the experiences i have had and knowing what its like first hand, i knwo its not a life.
you think that being drunk and high is a happy state of mind.
but in reality, its not YOUR state of mind.
so if you think a happy state is one where you aren't yourself, there are deeper issues at hand.
thats something that no one understood.
my bests friends saw me as nothing but an alcoholic and pot head.
i will never be able to explain to you or expect you to come close to understanding,
but its something i had to do.
i have thought alot of things through and im still thinking
i hope that my personal though never leaves because without it, you are nothing but a societal-run robot
love me, hate me, judge me.
it just doesnt matter anymore.
whether things work out with relationships, romantic or just friends, i have faith of a happy ending
i don't feel bad about my behavior.
true, being so gone that i cant walk is an embarressing thought
but, hoenstly, im over it.
i needed to go through what i went through to figure all this out.
last night just proved my point even more.

im happy and im not going to hold myself back anymore
and if i do, it will be something that needs to happen so i can learn a lesson
God doesn't bring bad things upon us.
He gives and takes away, but we must claim responsibility of our actions.
don't give up on prayer, just pray about something real that you genuinely care about
find peace within yourself, because if you can't find it in yourself, you will never be able to find it in anyone else.
lastly, be optimistic because everyday there is a new sunrise

It does get hard sometimes cause you were always "mine"
but, im respecting you and im just happy to see you happy.

i love you. i hope you know that will never change.

i'm tired and but i can't go to sleep.

sooooo i really want to clean my room so when i lay down to go to bed, i can't stop thinking about cleaning my room, but when i try to clean my room, im too tired to. ugh.

everything is going to be ok.

gah! i have seperated myself from everyone, it seems.
i wish i could get an effing break and everything would just be ok.
this is bothering me alot.

im such and effing retard!

everything feels like its moving too fast

i honestly don't know if he cares anymore.


i just want to see him