jessica

hooray for.....wait....what???

2006-09-17T18:46:01Z

COTTAGE CHEESE

i don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. hahaha....but simplyput.....cottage cheese is fucking amazing.

what is wrongwithme??

selfish?

2006-09-12T03:48:46Z

...What I wouldn't give...

there are so many things that i share with other people.
in some ways i would consider myself an open person
maybe i look for thatconnection with someone
maybe i want others share with others
maybe i want to let them know that its ok
you CAN have a happy medium
...but still, there are things that i keep to myself
i do have a private life
i don't share things if i think no one will benefit from it
i don't want to put my problems on others
i know that there is nothing anyone can do
sometimes, you heart just has to break
time can make things easier, but certain things will never change
....even if i wanted to share, i don't think i could
i don't think words exist to express what i feel
still, i feel i have a purpose for this world
maybe i know it now
maybe i have no idea
but i can't give up
i want to make a difference
even if it is with just one person
if i have made a difference for one purpose, i have done ok

one day at a time
thats the only way to take it

jepga2 @ 2006-09-09T22:22:00

2006-09-10T02:32:55Z

yea....i tried looking fora job today.
BUT since i have a lip ring, i dont know how its gonna go.
i hate life at this moment.
acutally i don't im just having a girl moment.
i guess ben and jerry's would make me feel better, but im not inthe mood for it.
...cottage cheese, here i come!

oh how things change

2006-08-30T13:36:02Z

sooooo there have been alot of changes lately.
I am really realizing some stuff about some people.
The people who I used to think the worl of....yea...I feel like I am just seeing htem from this whole different perspective and things on this side aren't so pretty.
At first, it was really pissing me off how they were all being different. But its actually really interesting to see them from this perspective.
You can never really force yourself to see someone in a different way....well i guess you could but you will never truely UNDERSTAND it until that perspective is your personal point of view.
that might be extremely confusing and if so...sorry abotu that.
I am just....i guess and suprised and happy about the recent changes taht have been made.
I wouldn't say that i made the changes, i just allowed them to happen. i usually fight change doing my best possible to preventit from happening...but not so much anymore.
unlike some people i know...i believe taht there si something positive to be found in every change, you just have to be willing and have the courage to find it.
So thats what im doing....im allowing these changes to happen and i will find whats good in it.
honestly..i don't want to hang around people if the whole thing just feels fake.
im liking this year much better so far. i mean...i haven't reallymade good friends but i am being more independent and true to myself. the people i usede to think the WORLD of are not as appealing to me as they once were, and i think it has made me realize that that is just how everyone is. they are cool but we're all just retarded inteh end. Goodness knows i am! but i know that i am being true to myself adn figuring things out for myself and as lond as i know that i am not being fake...im ok.

sometimes i wish i weren't so skeptical of people, but this way im not placing anyone on a pedistol (sorry if i cant spell) i am seeing htem for what they really are. or trying to anyway.

oh well.......lovely day ahead. i dont feel like showering....sorry if you get close to me

a waste of a wish

2006-08-25T01:07:37Z

i don't know how alike we are/were/could have been.
i miss the way things used to be.

its not quite that i wish i could go back in time
i jus wish the circumstances were the same today
....but they aren't and they never will be.

when things change, you just have to keep going
but i dont like moving on without certain people by my side.

i wonder how things would be different

confusing

2006-08-19T00:12:18Z

why the hell do i feel so fucked up.

i am secure with myself but i get insecure around certain people.
i don't think im an emo kid, but sadly....if you list all their characteristics, i am one.
im really bummed that my relationsihp with james is over.
now that i am single...i feel so absolutely naked and i wish i could run to someone, but there's no one to run to.
i know im an...interesting... person, to say the least, but i wish someone would fucking stick around.
i wish i could let people in, but...i can't.
i post these god damned blogs, i dont even know why.
....its not really like anyone reading these is going to be able to help.
it pisses me off because nick is sometimes the only one who gets me.
...sometimes,in some cases, he doesnt get me at all, but he still hangs around.
i wish that someone would just fucking see something good in me and want to actually stay around....someone who, when i do something dumb, will just be like...well, thats jessica being dumb again....and then have them still love me.
it fucking pisses me off, which makes me want to write in fucking live journal, which makes me a fucking emo kid, which pisses me off even more!

i seriously do think i might join the peace corp and go elsewhere to help people who have bigger concerns other than trying to find people who "understand" them.
now all this makes me feel just extremely selfish.

.....reading this....no wonder no one can put up with me....

and we are all just friends

2006-08-18T15:23:33Z

and isn't that the way it should be?

i mean....getting caught up in everything....its stupid.
we all need to love one another! hahaha....SPREAD THE LOVE!

as a side note...."That's a huge bitch!" is a really funny quote! BUT you are not supposed to say it about actual people....its more of a random comment. when you say it it shouldn't be about an actual person....thats just mean.

anyway...dave and busters today with mi madre....and then tomorrow is school.

as usual....im fucked in sooooo many ways. im just a fucked up kid and im probably always gonna be this way, sadly.
oh well, everyone is just gonna have to deal.

....

2006-08-15T00:47:34Z

sometimes, im afraid of being alone

i know i probably sound dumb

2006-08-11T16:49:22Z

lately, i have just not been in teh best of moods.
i mean....i think its understandable, but it still sucks.
i think it also sucks because i guess it hasnt quite hit me.
like i think im subconciously thinking that he's away at camp. (that was so a line in My Girl)
but yea...things work out.
i still remain a strong believer that positive things come with every change, you just have to be open to them.
but yea....and now for my superficial moment....i just really want to go buy new clothes.
updating my shitty wardrobe always (for a breif time anyway) makes me feel better about myself.
plus i wouldnt mind some new clothes.
but yea....as usual......im shit out of money.

oh and i think i might have broken my nose.....not cool

jepga2 @ 2006-08-09T00:23:00

2006-08-09T04:29:52Z

X-Men 3 just ended. I am sitting in the theater waiting for the extra part to come on after the credits and i decided to check my phone. Its 12:04 and Ihave a new text. I reply to the text and see that I have missed calls from my house. I called my mom back who was on the verge of tears saying that she was so upset, she didnt know where i was or why i wasnt answering my phone and that she was so emotionally distressed over it. i left the theater immediately and drove like a abt out of hell to get home as soon as possible (not because i had broken my curfew but because my mom was so upset that i wanted to be there for her) when i DO get home i run back to my moms bedroom to give her a huge hug and spill all i had telling her i was so sorry i upset her and that i was ok and time had slipped away and i was so sorry....expecting her to say...im just so glad that you're safe, all she did was scold me for not paying closer attention to the time. i appoligized and was so sincere and worried with every word i said and all that seemed to just fly righ tby her,

i dont know. i probably cant do a good job of describing it, but her reaction just really upset me because it wasnt very caring sounding. i mean i know she cares, thats why she has her rules, but i thought she was upset and that upset me and i came home really upset and she did seem to be sensitive at all at teh fact that i was so upset.

..whatever. now im just mad.

:(

2006-08-03T23:24:33Z

i hate bad dreams.

i am sorry

2006-07-26T00:25:22Z

i havent talked to alot of my friends lately. anyone who reads this (if anyone does anymore) i probably dont talk to you. im sorry for that. i want all of you to know that i lvoe each one of you sooo much.

a couple of you i will see at school next year (kelly, caitlin, and andrew) i really hope that we can all hang out and make berry AWESOME.

brittany, im so sorry i havent talked to you in a while. photoshoot this weekend??? perhaps??

grant....well, your just hott! thats all i have to say for you! haha jk. but seriously, you are! haha. you need to come visit berry! and ROSWELL for that matter!

everyone else. you guys freakin fock my face off! i love you all!

insert strange, grunting noise here

2006-07-23T20:24:40Z

i miss the way things used to be.

i have changed alot and alot of things around me have changed alot.
i said i was the exact same person, but in a way i wasnt.
honestly, i had to go through what i went through.
i can't pretend to be a certain way and thats what i was doing.
after the experiences i have had and knowing what its like first hand, i knwo its not a life.
you think that being drunk and high is a happy state of mind.
but in reality, its not YOUR state of mind.
so if you think a happy state is one where you aren't yourself, there are deeper issues at hand.
thats something that no one understood.
my bests friends saw me as nothing but an alcoholic and pot head.
i will never be able to explain to you or expect you to come close to understanding,
but its something i had to do.
i have thought alot of things through and im still thinking
i hope that my personal though never leaves because without it, you are nothing but a societal-run robot
love me, hate me, judge me.
it just doesnt matter anymore.
whether things work out with relationships, romantic or just friends, i have faith of a happy ending
i don't feel bad about my behavior.
true, being so gone that i cant walk is an embarressing thought
but, hoenstly, im over it.
i needed to go through what i went through to figure all this out.
last night just proved my point even more.

im happy and im not going to hold myself back anymore
and if i do, it will be something that needs to happen so i can learn a lesson
God doesn't bring bad things upon us.
He gives and takes away, but we must claim responsibility of our actions.
don't give up on prayer, just pray about something real that you genuinely care about
find peace within yourself, because if you can't find it in yourself, you will never be able to find it in anyone else.
lastly, be optimistic because everyday there is a new sunrise

i think...

2006-07-03T23:40:43Z

what i want most for myself in life
... is to come home to someone who cares.

jepga2 @ 2006-07-01T05:35:00

2006-07-01T09:37:36Z

It does get hard sometimes cause you were always "mine"
but, im respecting you and im just happy to see you happy.

i love you. i hope you know that will never change.

:-(

2006-07-01T06:02:53Z

i'm tired and but i can't go to sleep.

sooooo i really want to clean my room so when i lay down to go to bed, i can't stop thinking about cleaning my room, but when i try to clean my room, im too tired to. ugh.

its good

2006-06-25T19:42:35Z

everything is going to be ok.

UGH!!

2006-06-23T02:56:21Z

gah! i have seperated myself from everyone, it seems.
i wish i could get an effing break and everything would just be ok.
this is bothering me alot.

im such and effing retard!

jepga2 @ 2006-06-22T12:21:00

2006-06-22T16:22:05Z

everything feels like its moving too fast

nonei

2006-06-16T23:52:29Z

i honestly don't know if he cares anymore.

i just want to see him

finally

2006-06-08T04:45:02Z

last night, alot of things clicked for me.
today felt good. i haven't had a day like this is quite a while!

tonight i went out to dinner with nick. he told me that he thought i was acting normal again. he said i was like how i used to be. he said it was nice to see me back to normal, but weird at the same time because it had been so long.
i feel good and i have a sense of comfort that i haven't had in while.

tonight, nick and i went to the melting pot.
after dinner, we were just going to drive around. i got on the highway and all of a sudden i had an idea to drive to the lake. i hadn't really been up to the lake since my dad's accident and i hadn't wanted to go for a while, but lately i have wanted to go really badly. we sold the house boat when my dad died because i just couldn't go up there without him. but lately, i have wanted to go to our old house boat so badly cause i just keep feeling that i could go there and feel the closest to him there over anywhere else.
i was right
nick and i kinda lied to the guard at the gate and got into the marina. we went to our old dock and walked down to the end and sat with our feet off the edge of the dock. it was so nice. the moona dn the stars were out and they were reflecting brightly off of the water. you could look up and see trees lining the shore and then nothing but clear sky.
everything felt just like it used to.
i remember going on top of the boat at night just to look up at the stars. loking at the stars at night wasn't specifically something that i shared with my dad, but it was something i did alot. i can remember how life was back then and...it was nice. the biggest care i had was trying to get my crush of the month to like me.
i went up to the lake tonight and looked out on the glassy water and then around at teh boats and trees and then up at the clear starry sky and i just felt good.
today was the first truely good day i have ahd in so long and going to the lake was the exactly what i have needed for so long.
i feel like things are going to get better from here.

have at it

2006-06-03T00:10:31Z

im tired of being the fucking joke.
im tired of everyone always trying to use me as some formof entertainment.
i don't know if you have noticed, but i never have time to myself anymore. which i mean, imok with as long as you not going to treat me like shit all the time cause, honestly, im tired of it. you can go hang out with someone else at someone else's house.

and as for someone else.
you know what. do whatever the hell you want. think whatever the hell you want. im tired of all of this.
i spent all first semester being made fun of for not having a life. i spent as much time as possible on the phone and on the internet and playing guitar and avoiding the reality that was my life. second semester, everything just got worse. this semester it was my roommate instead of my roommate's boyfriend who wasn't afraid to tell me, and enjoyed telling me, the truth of how my life was being wasted away with my head somewhere in my computer and headphones glued to my ear. im sorry i wasn't there as much as i should have been, but sue me for trying to have a life. just to say, you have no fucking idea of anything i have had to go through. im sorry i didn't talk to you as much as i shouldn have. i don't know if you notice, but i haven't talked to ANYBODY. i know we haven't talked in a long time but i have alot ALOT of shit going on. for the past two months. i could go on and spill everything but for the same reasons i havent shared them with the world so far, im going to continue to keep it to myself.
im trying to help things. i have called. i left a message. and im trying to keep things open for us to hang out. you complain and tell me all the time how your relationship with someone else was so shitty and how she would call everyone but you and hang out with everyone but you and be friends with everyone but you. i was trying to keep that from happening. but whatever. i don't care anymore.
yea, im sure it is kinda childish to just put this here on lj. but it doesn't matter, you probably won't know its you that im talking to. whatever.

bottom line, come and be friends with me or don't. i don't fucking care anymore.

im so tired of everyone right now, and i can't get away.
yea i guess i just pretty much am shit at life.
LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!

sunburns....

2006-06-01T20:01:31Z

they HURT!

sorry

2006-05-24T03:04:45Z

i know i havent talked to you anyone in a while. i dont want you to think its because i dont love you or miss you or that you smell bad or any of those things. i have been feeling like crapola all summer and i just found out that i have mono! having mono is no fun at all but now everyone knows im not faking being sick just to get out of things...and to be more specific with whats wrong with me is that i have a swollen liver and kidney! FUN! also, i might have a hernia. (something like when you organs get pushed up higher than they should be) that might be why its hard to breath. maybe? who knows. anywho....im not avoiding anyone. i feel like crap so i have been staying at home. trust me...i hate it, so as soon as i feel better i expect all your little pretty faces to take pity on me and come hang out with me after i feel better and im begging someone to be my friend. i lvoe you all and hopefully we can all hang out soon!

Pathetic Confession

2006-05-02T04:35:31Z

....i like the simple life.

yea...you know the show with nicole richie and paris hilton...

....yea....i like it.